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17 Reasons Why I Hate the Cold

Yay, another bitter rant about a subject most people either love or don’t care about! (if that’s you, then you’ll totally understand what I’m about to say…uh, yeah).

It’s cold. Need I say more? I learned in 8th grade science that cold is nothing more than the absence of heat. Great, that’s just what I love to hear—NOT! We were nurtured in a warm liquid-filled womb. Where the fuck does cold come into that scene?

I’m cold. If it’s cold around out, chances are I’m cold, too. Even being dressed like a master Russian furrier doesn’t make up for much. Dress like a polar asshole, I guess.

Other people are cold, too. And there’s no way they’re happy about it. Everyone I see on or around the streets blurt out “It’s really cold out.”

I could be warm. But I’m not. I could be back in Hawaii where I belong, but no, I’m in fucking San Francisco where it’s cold as shit. Cold shit, that is, because shit is usually warm, at least when it’s fresh.

People are Cold(er). If there ever was a time for people to get even more robonazi than they are, it’s when it gets cold out. You think bundling up and “layering” is going to help your problem? It’s not—your heartlessness is the problem! When it’s cold out, people’s humanity scores go straight to hell. You know what I mean because it’s all relative. Cold people get even colder, and so on.

Cold is way too dry. I have the driest skin right now, and it’s so unappealing. Plus my lips are either chapped or peeling, or both. Flat hair and lotsa boogers.

You can’t enjoy outside. Nobody likes standing around or hanging out in the cold. It’s not a natural human thing to do. So why the hell would anyone want to be in a place where you can’t enjoy being outdoors? Go to hell, skiers.

Cold is not natural. Cold is naturally-occuring, but it’s not natural for humans to feel its wrath.

Cold requires technology to survive in. That can’t be right, right? If you strip away all human shit we invented, you’re left with a creature with very primitive biological survival mechanisms. The cold has got to be one of the very first hazards we have deal with. Why do it when you don’t truly have to?

Cold kills people. I’m willing to bet there are more cold-related fatalities than warm weather ones. Strictly having to do with air temperature, that is.

Cold irritates. Just look at the shit I’m saying right now. Do I not sound irritated?

Being cold is a choice, albeit a bad one. We have dreams and freedoms in life, and one of them is to be sitting on a beach in a tropical place being warm and feeling good. Is there anyone who dreams otherwise? WHo dreams of being in a cold place? (those who do always have a bear-skin rug and roaring fire going).

I’m cold right now. Dammit!

Cold is anti-sensual. Sure the fur parka can be kinda cute, but why not just show the bikini? Show us that you’re not inhibited by your body and that the warm air makes you feel sexy and sensual?

The cold brings back bad memories. No need to get into details, but let’s just say I once knew someone who hated me so they kicked me out into the cold as much as they could. It was icy hell!

We feel cold when we’re about to die. Do you ever hear the person in the movies say, “I’m cold” when they’re dying? What up with that?

Progress really slows down. Winter (when it’s cold) calls for a downtime, which means you’re not getting shit done. Or maybe you are, like me writing this post. Whatever, cold sucks.