I slipped into fatherhood rather young at 22. She already had a child, who for the first 2 years called me by my first name. I liked having her (the child) around because she brought a certain beauty and purity to the budding (and intense) relationship I had with her mom.
We were very passionate, so pregnancy was only a matter of time. It arrived and I kind of freaked out. I was going to be a father! I knew life was going to change, and since I was already an acting father, I had an idea what it would be like. Our boy arrived on a sunny Sunday afternoon, and suddenly we were a 4-member family.
More kids arrived over the next nine years, and I love them to the fibers of my core. Making the jump from two to three was when an element of chaos entered our life. Going from three to four brought utter pandemonium, and it’s still that way even though we’ve adjusted to it.
Being a dad is a very deep challenge for me. I don’t have much to model after and I’m very idealistic, so I usually project myself as dad in the future, when my kids are grown up. I think about what they’ll think of me, then I model fatherhood after how I’d want them to feel. I guess that’s how I do it with my father nowadays—I feel a certain way and it’s hard to change (although in all fairness things are getting better).
I don’t really have memories of being a kid around his dad. The whole thing is kind of strange. I’d like to improve myself as a dad, really, because there’s so much more I should be doing, rather than thinking about being, or acting a certain way.