I’m afraid to step out of the compound of my life these days, and it feels like shit. Fear is keeping me from doing anything that could help get us out of this mess we’re in. Here’s the breakdown of the wall of fear:
- The unemployment benefits combined with lack of work in this area make it so I’ll never venture out of this town. I’m getting just enough to pay for my mortgage and electricity but not enough to cover the rest of my bills. I’m paying those bills by burning through my severance.
- The other benefits are only good because I’m not working. Once I start making a certain income, I lose them, and they’re worth about $1,100 a month.
- We’re super depressed being here, but every time we talk about leaving, we focus on all the things that are wrong with it—each place gets its own negative labeling.
- I’ve suffered a series of epic fails over the past…ten years. Bad career choice with The White Devil, bad housing choice buying this place at top of market and having a $4,000 mortgage, then almost losing it. Ditching my family for a year to go to San Francisco, only to get fired and back here. Let’s not forget the series of failures online with the blog, book and other ventures.
- Other miscellaneous fears of being somewhere I’m not familiar, simply because I’m here and it’s familiar even though we hate it.
I’m actually very comfortable talking about things that scare me simply because it’s familiar. I honestly think it was the pain and anger I caused people that gives me the most scare. I know I can succeed, but the cost of failing is too much to handle. Relationships are really delicate right now.
But if I don’t act, and we stay here, it’s the same slow-cooked death we were trapped in before.
UPDATE: more things I’m terrified of: surfing (WTF!!!!), success, spending money, selling our stuff, change