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I’m dreading what was once a dream

I’m moving to the North Shore of Oahu. The literal mecca of surfing, and I couldn’t be more miserable.

The reason? My marriage. It’s very slowly unraveling, the stitches coming undone. My partner is just as unhappy as me, and it feels like something that only gets worse.

I have a very strong hunch that there are many couple that feel this exact same way. Too exhausted and angry to put the effort into a hazy chance at reconciliation. Too much damage and suffering.

How it got this way

  • Kids. They drain every last drop, or rather we drain every last drop of ourselves on them. Kids sleeping in our bed for years, all for the sake of…?
  • Job. I don’t have one. I’m in career failure mode right now, so is she. We feel like losers.
  • Money. We never have enough, and feel crushed under the pressure to constantly have it to pay for basic survival things.
  • Drinking. Not a say goes by without a drink. Ever. 3.5 is the nightly average. We get tired easier, our livers get mad and our bellys stick out. Plus it clouds life and creates more anger.
  • Depression. The collective result of all the above.

What to do about it

I’m not sure. Of course there’s that thing inside that says “it will all be better once we move,” but I’m old enough to know that’s bullshit. We’re not affectionate, we don’t hug, we don’t really spend time alone together, we’re crabby and bitter and almost 40. I’m over it and I know she is, too.

What comes next I hope is positive. I want things to work and they still can, even though it feels more like theory.

I wonder about this marriage thing, I really do. What’s it all about? It’s supposed to be love but we feel like we’re kept in cages away from each other. I’m upset…