Fire By Sea

I keep telling myself, “mind over matter,” and perhaps in some yogic, theoretical way it’s possible, but our immediate surroundings make a difference in the way we feel about and act in life.

Right now, I spend a significant portion of my work day in a very drab, oppressive, anti-creative environment. And dammit, it brings me down. Some days I’m okay. I come in with high energy and ready to roar. Most days…well I have no reason to make excuses or point blame.

The town we live is chilly, rainy, windy, sleepy and low energy. It’s affects us. Atmosphere makes a difference. Which is why need to change it.

Good personal energy needs to be balanced with awesome atmosphere.

I’m a meaning guy, which means I usually value the meaning of things more than say the results or image.

What does this mean? It means that my pursuits, interests, inclinations, etc. are always intending to discover the greater message at hand. The most seemingly trivial of things need to have a lesson.

I like how Public Enemy puts it:

It might feel good,
It might sound a little somethin’,
but f*uck the game
If it don’t mean nothin’

That I get.

Today is my kid’s first day of school. I used to look forward to those days — part-excitement, part-nervousness, part eagerness to dive in to learning new and cool things.

Of course the darker side to this is my relief of getting way from the severely dysfunctional and abusive family. I couldn’t wait to be just away from it all. I remember dreading coming home, too.

So here I am in my adulthood, seeing my children filled with the same anxiety-excitement, but also knowing full well when they come home there will be love, nurturing and a place for them alongside their siblings and parents.

I am indeed blessed.

What I’m writing here is the very first thing I’m doing for the day. I’ve just rolled out of bed and this is how I feel: slightly groggy, somewhat undermotivated, a bit of a sore back and a mild headache.

See how my attitude goes? It’s not so good. I’d like to come back to this exact type of post exactly one week later and experiment with how I feel.

The point is that it’s so hard to feel good in this situation, here in this small slow town with no prospects of it ever picking up. No chance….

By the way I didn’t write this post in one sitting. I got kicked off because someone told me I spend too much time on the iPad. Figures.

This is a catchup post: the first of about 14 I have to do. That means I haven’t written for 2 weeks straight (and so by the time I get done writing all these — hopefully today — I will have written over 1,400 words).

Excuses? None. I just don’t write. I just don’t.

But writing is like a vitamin, like vegetables — gotta have them everyday, or you’re just not as healthy.

So what am I going to do about this?

Prioritizing –> organization –> consistency –> passion. The right schedule, enabled by keeping to a calendar.

Writing, writing, writing, writing, writing…

Writing will set me free.

(9/2)

The world is twofold. Great achievement comes from great challenge and struggle. Easy things are easy come, easy go.

The periphery is so easy to live in, to get lost in, to spend our days caught in the daily ups and downs, joys and sorrows, highs and lows.

The core is different. There is truth there, whereas the periphery contains ignorance. Truth is power, but it’s hard for the average human to handle.

I’ve been really struggling with this. It’s so easy to get angry, waiting for the next good thing to cheer me up, only to be dashed on the rocks again.

It’s safe to say that aging can be accelerated by environment, attitude and circumstance. Today feels like I’m unnecessarily aging.

Physically, I start getting fat. I tend to munch on food for no reason other than to eat it and feel good. My face start to itch.

At work, I get lazy and lose the vision. Small tasks turn into all day affairs.

These are the effects of living depressed, in a small town full of slow energy and aging people. I’m 35 but I feel 50.

This is war!!!

I believe in the idea that what you cast out into the Universe as far as energy will be cast back to you.

The problem, however, is when you’re down in the dumps and casting out bad energy, it’s hard to realize that it comes back and bites you even harder—all you feel is undistinguished, cloudy anger. It’s hard to change.

Casting out positive energy is blissfully contagious, especially when you’re conscious of the Universe.

So it’s simple: cast out positive energy. Embrace the Good. Build it so big that it never topples.

Well after 2 weeks I finally opened the damn box and here I am typing on it, fumbling a bit on the keyboard but otherwise pretty fascinated with the sophistication of it all.

To be honest I feel I’m getting too gadgety, and this just tops it all off. There has to be a benefit to using this other than amusement.

Yet somehow I feel drawn in. Writing is a completely new experience of tapping on glass. I always did want a silent keyboard.

The iPad so far is amazing!