Fire By Sea

Today (actually last Friday) is my youngest daughter’s second birthday. Oh how I love this little girl, this beautiful brown-eyed wonder, apple of my eye, thief of my heart.

I never knew I’d feel this way. Every time I look at her I sigh. Every time. Even when she screams or pinches my face.

Her deep dark eyes draw me in and don’t let go. Her wispy ehu hair cascades over her tiny angelic face, her smile shining.

I get to watch her grow in to a woman. I get to be her poppa, as she likeS to call me (something I never cared for until she said it).

Yes, I’m in love. And for once it’s not the goddamn dangerous kind. (6/22)

As much as this sucks I got to get used to a regular, tough disciplined schedule. Somewhere along the line the regularity will start producing results, which should over time improve and evolve.

Sometimes I think my moping melancholy is a reaction more to myself and inaction than to other people who make my life difficult (only one other person, actually).

If I really think about it, I know what it takes to be successful, or at least to make a little more money so I can be in a place to build and grow success.

It may be difficult, but there is nothing really stopping me from going though with it.

The other day my computer got a virus and had to be reset with a new Windows. Yesterday I had to wear a brand new running shirt and my new Aloha shirt to a new business enterprise with some upside promise.

Things are changing. Times are changing. I feel it. So it’s time to let it in and set a path, a direction, meditation, patience and faith.

All I need now are some better things to start happening so I can actually start to believe there is a hope and future in this so-called life.

Right now I can’t really see past the next 2 years…

So curious are the dynamics between these two that I sometimes –though not often — consider myself the Have and the other guy the Have Not.

Why? Because all he seems to have is the Have itself and nothing more. I may Not Have right now, but that situation could change given the proper path followed.

Once I Have there is absolutely no need for the other guy who Has. He, on the other hand, will still Have but won’t own the ability to do anything on his own without using his Have.

And as I’m quickly learning Have can only take one so far. You have to Have Not as well.

The body holds secrets if not answers to progress and success.

I notice that now I’m working out in different ways — like I used to — with swimming and weights, I feel different. My body is getting stronger and that picks up the rest of my attitude, for the better.

I remember Don Juan telling Carlos that all the secrets to his knowledge was contained in the body. And while he didn’t have to use too much of his intellect (as far as I know), he does have a point.

With my body stronger, my mind doesn’t have to overcompensate for mere achievement. Firming the upper body as a part of the body as a whole — mind and spirit included — is a small but significant step.

Strive = drive. Pain = gain.

So here I am again — sitting in the ‘office’ not really doing much and wondering how I’m going to make it through the next year — 2 years — sitting for 3 hours doing something I hate just so I can get out of debt.

I won’t complain but adapt: gotta find a way to build skills. It’s like my garage days except I didn’t build any skills. I relate this experience to my garage days: something I have no choice over but have to do. If that ended so will this.

It’s like serving out a sentence for having debt and not making any money. Too funny.

I’m fat. I can feel it in my face. It’s uncomfortable and I long to feel tightened up.

Just because I’m (only 35) doesn’t mean I can’t go back to being in shape. Actually, with access to a pool and a weight room, as well as a new work schedule and 2-year solid plan, I’m more determined than ever to get back into shape.

Lifting weights feels great, and I’ve already started doing that. I feel stronger. Swimming is also happening. Maybe I’m not surfing as much as I’d like but at least I’m getting back into shape.

Patience and consistency and I’m good to go.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I’m going to cut my teeth on some small-time business deals.

Each deal is very different from the other. One is affluent corporate schmoozing with the old boys club and the other is shady loan-shark-developer. I’m eager to do this.

While I’m not really nervous, I do expect my to stumble a bit, not in the social or presentation sense but I’m allowing myself some room to mess up what’s best for me. I mean these guys aren’t dumb.

So I figure while I may not have the experience, I at least have the tenacity to go head to head.

I’m sure I’ll do fine.

Hey I got a 2 Year Plan: for the next two years I’m going to keep on suffering like I am now — working like I do, struggling like I do, scraping by like I do.

But by the time these 2 years are up, I expect to be out of debt, on my feet with a sustainable and growing business and ready to travel, including the 2012 Summer Games in London with the Family.

Furthermore, I’d like to take that year of 2012-13 to go live somewhere else for a year. Likely the Bay Area but who knows yet.

It will be well-deserved to say the least.