Fire By Sea

I’m typing this while working, and it’s better than working. I’m trying to discipline myself to working while being distracted so no matter what deal I make with whatever Devils, I can actually get some meaningful work done.

It’s a challenge because I’m used to the get paid-for-your-time model. I sit and exchange my essence while someone pays me.

With all the pressure and expectations to produce and succeed, I can’t really afford to completely sell out my time. It’s too valuable.

Therefore, I’ll start figuring out the best work to work on while I’m working. Writing is of course a huge challenge, but just imagine if I could actually do this!

Is not denying yourself so much to the point that you think you’re in control. That’s indulgence.

Discipline is having a vision, distilling it to a goal, forming a plan and taking the day to day steps to actually seeing it through. That’s pretty tough — to keep that focus over that amount of time and them actually pulling it off (of course the vision is always different than the actual outcome).

Discipline will determine my success. It will bring together all the hopes and dreams of me and my family.

Without discipline, the curve of life stays flat at best.

I kill ants all the time in my office, then right afterwards I feel bad. They’re innocent, obviously, just searching for whatever it is they’re searching for (food, materials, other ants, adventure).

There are two reasons I feel guilty: it’s killing something, and it’s destroying a perfect creature. All living creatures are perfect to me because they somehow made it this far in their species evolution to be able to live and procreate on this planet.

If you look at ants or any creature for that matter close up, they’re brilliant. No human could have ever thought of creating something like that. It’s totally amazing, and that’s why I’m at odds with killing pesky creatures.

Put me in any place on Earth, and it can always me made better by pure, raw, unfiltered sunshine.

The color of the light that the sun produces can’t be replicated, and neither can the feeling we get from being in it — it’s like we’re receiving the warm gift of being an Earthling.

Sun is the main reason I left Alaska a few years ago — I don’t know how people can survive without seeing the sun or feeling its bounty.

As I sit here on my ass writing these posts the sun is coming right through my window and lading on my hands and illuminating the flower bush outside my window in such a way that gives me a feeling of infant bliss.

I’ve hatched an unhealthy plan. What I would do is take a lump sum of money worth exactly half of my debt and try to use it to pay off the entire debt.

To do this I have to stop paying the debt until it goes into collections, then negotiate X pennies on the dollar.

My credit would be obliterated. That’s the loss. This means no refinancing, no credit cards (obviously) and no new cars with financing OAC. Hmmmm….

The upside is that I get out of debt much faster (6-9 months versus 2 years). And that means I’m not tied down to paying it off, painfully.

Is it worth it?

Character sets people apart. If it’s poor and degraded, I stay away or find a way to work my way out, even if I’m entangled with them.

People with good/great character are vibrant, more alive and reaching toward higher places. They’re not the kind of people who volunteer to live in las Vegas if you know what I mean.

I used to think culture determined levels of character but that’s not entirely true. Sure you can have a unified society but ultimately people make the individual choice to be good, transparent, grounded and true.

Of course, there would be no development or growth of good character if there weren’t some bad ones to set the bar so low.

Ha here I am at my ‘office job’ the one that pays and I’m actually training myself on the job to write. Boss is on the phone and I’m made to look busy.

I figure this is the only way to: 1) stay sane in an otherwise insane scenario, 2) get better at writing by brute force practice and 3) express myself while building a better future. Not bad.

There are 1001 things I could be doing other than working, too, like checking email, news, general screwing around. But I’ve already done that for too many years.

So this feels good. I will be doing this often indefinitely. (actually written June 17)

I joined 3-rd Tribe the other week and now I’m feeling good about it, despite the $47/month price tag. The reason why is because these are people I’m very comfortable with, and we’re all helping each other move in the same direction.

Unlike here and now. This is Hell (yes with a capital H). I’m around people who don’t see the world I do; they can’t because they’re simply different. All of them, except the Family.

So back to 3rd Tribe. The 1st thing I listened to was How to be a Better Writer by someone I’m deeply engaged in. What I hear hi saying is this: Writing is what you need to do, and lots of it, if you ever want to unstick yourself.

Write often and get good at it. Case closed. (published June 17)

I can’t think of much else to do but write until the ends of the Earth burn away. I’m just sitting here doing work that makes no difference to anyone but one greedy person, so I’m better off working on something that could really make a lasting difference in the world. Just imagine!

3 hours of sitting in hell 5 days a week. I bet I can turn that into at at least 1.5 hours of writing time, and with enough tenacity — 2 hours. Wow that would be an extra 10 hours a week spent writing for Goodness.

Did I survive a shitty childhood? Yes. Can I survive this part of shitty adulthood? Absolutely. (June 17)