Fire By Sea

But it’s something. It counts, especially if you can read the signs and not fight it.

Right now I’m on the mend and can’t do anything. No running, no surfing, jack shit nothing. Except…think and write. And since I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything, I can take the plunge. That’s a good thing.

The drawback is when I’m not immersed. It’s like being told to take a long time out from a race you’re running and all pumped up for. Full of adrenaline and told to cut it. But such is life. I’ll take what I can get.

***

I feel something’s evolving, but you can never tell. Progress can only be measured in results, not mental satisfaction. But still — I feel so close to something.

No money, unsettled on an island, grumpy. Do I really expect to get anywhere? Besides I’m all on my own on this one. But still — there’s a feeling. It’s 2010 dammit. There’s no waiting around anymore.

Is it true that if you keep working away at something, and manage not to go crazy doing it, that you can come out on top?

***

I can’t take it anymore, I have to talk details: Publishing in new media. Blogging, book deals, ereaders, marketing, revenue model. I’m about 60% there. I need to find a problem to solve.

I’m thinking the problem might have to do with:

• Bloggers with (merit and integrity) who want to be syndicated but don’t know how or don’t have time.
• Subjects that seem juicy, cool quirky ideas that need bloggers/writers. Sites setup for that which are tactfully monetized(?)
• Human editors needed to maintain high quality standards.

Monetizing blogs are a pain because they detract from the mojo of the author. So you turn to ebooks. Are ebooks the way? Do you get people in the door with your ebook then sell them more shit on email?

I think the big problem is I need to get my face out of the how to genre and into the alternative / indie genre. Non-fiction?

Sometimes you make an agreement with your body and then break it, and the repercussions don’t jive. Long ago, I made a deal with my body to leave it unaltered, meaning no tatoos, piercings, enhancements, etc. I’ve been very happy with that, until the scenario yesterday.

Everything was fine until today, my body sent a WTF message to my brain, saying…”what the hell have you done you really f-ed me up this time.” That pain of letdown hit me hard for a minute or so. I felt artificially altered, and it felt icky and wrong; against my values.

I had to cultivate in my mind the grand impetus behind my decision, and it came down to love and sensibility and moving on, and that was enough to calm me down. I just wonder if later on in life I’ll regret it. Besides, I did get a wisdom tooth removed and that was far more traumatic.

Another odd side effect of a medical procedure is the time you’re disabled from normal activity. Since I’m down (not necessarily out) I haven’t been moving around much. My old body took over and wanted nothing more than to eat and never exercise again. This was not a thought but a physical sensation.

As much as I don’t like the event, I do like the thought of freedom without too much consequence and the freedom to pursue a intended destiny. Some odd things happened today: wife cut fingers with razor sharp kitchen knife. I told her it was a sign of the upheaval that happens before great change incarnates.

Notes from being almost asleep:  France sounds good, New York sounds like a plan, too. We do know one person in NYC.

Pretty tired, dozing dozing dozing off, off, off to a slumber-rich state, complete with some barehoorf

I’ve been planning the title of this post for awhile, and while I need not be specific, I claim my right to post comment.

I have a tendency to romanticize life, in good and bad ways. Sometimes I want to believe that out there is a grand destiny awaiting me and that I need only be patient until it’s filled. Of course the fallacy is that that day never really comes, wild dreams rarely come true and love never sweeps you away…without hard work and conscious focus.

With hard work and conscious focus, we can find a balance between what’s fantasy and what really can happen. You can still dream of changing the world while you’re changing a diaper — in fact in that very act you are doing just that.

Part of lack of progress in people, aside from flappable egos and laziness (among other things) is their belief that someone or something outside of them will swoop in and fix everything. This is the welfare state of mind.

The other side of the coin is the heads down worker, who rarely pauses to dream a little or believe in some magic simply because survival is of the essence. Sometimes I feel this is my Korean work ethic, the one passed to me by ancestors toiling in rice paddies, unbeknownst that one of their future kin would be here in America scrapping for a better life, not just for his family but the posterity of the generations of people who brought him to this point in history.

The mood I like to assume is a balance of dreamer and pragmatist, of free will and strong will. I believe in faith, and its power to take one’s wildest dreams and manifest them into unexpected pockets of good luck and fortune.

But, yeah, render me sterile today. And every day after this. I’m ready to move on.

I struggle with finishing things as much as I enjoy starting things. This is no surprise, as many people have this problem.

But sometimes I think it’s something more. With my business writing, I start things based on great ideas but often can’t locate the voice and vocabulary to express them. Many works go unfinished.

The problem is I am not making the connection with greatness to business, and that really effects how I write. I find it hard to craft a message for a market because I haven’t yet discovered greatness in my professional life.

It’s mostly now about survival and making money and all the petty folly that goes with it. Nobody wants to hear about that or my pathetic sales pitch.

Then again, I am expected to not only exude greatness in my craft but also as an entrepreneur. In other words, I need to make money. Think Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, other mega-innovators. They revolutionized their world and became some of the richest and most respected men in the world.

Going forward, my business decisions/direction will be only be based on an across the board, ubiquitous presence of greatness. I will not bend or sell myself out to sell others out. Greatness is my emerging business philosophy.

Again this is another example of my struggle to connection nobility with profit. Why do they seem to be from opposite poles? Can you be great and profit at the same time?

Of course yes is the answer, they will tell you. People do it all the time. The trick is to be savvy enough with your business decisions without ever straying off the course. Offer something awesome.

So I’m onto something and because I’m pursuing greatness, it feels great to be doing it. My body knows it’s right. All I need to get in order is…

You have to learn the meaning of desperation to know the feeling of privilege, but that’s pretty cliche and even confusing.

My days are spent desperate for a better situation but oblivious to the privileges I have. And although it never hurts to hear about how much better I have it than others, it never helps.

I live in Hawaii in the USA, which is about as good as it gets. I may not make a lot of money but I own a house and I have 4 healthy children and a beautiful hard-working wife. They go to private school and we all have health care.

To top it off, we own 2 cars and quite a bit of stuff. Right now we’re contemplating the purchase of a Playstation 3, wondering if it’s the best thing to do for the advancement of the children. Our argument is that it’s good entertainment.

But mind you, in the house we have 2 TVs (one a wall-mounted LCD), 2 DVD players, 3 computers, a fax machine, 3 cell phones (2 are iPhones) and a Kindle reader. We also have an espresso machine (2 actually) and countless other gadgets.

Now at which point did I decide that my life wasn’t good enough?

I’ve framed the question to be sarcastic, because everyone knows it’s ridiculous to think that cars and TV and such are going to bring us happiness. They won’t and they don’t.

I’m seeking that which cannot be bought, but requires money. That which can only be learned and experienced, but not taught. That which fulfills a void but is perhaps a void itself.

Would I trade in my things at this point to feel fulfillment? No, because it wouldn’t make a difference. I already don’t glean happiness or fulfillment from them. They are in fact tools.

What I’d like to do is keep feeling desperate and privileged at the same time. That way I’ll be sure to get to where I’m going.

Imagine trying to understand everything in the world. The depth of people’s lives and the things they do, the dedication to a lifelong craft or predilection.

All those things! Reflexology, seashells, drumming, stage lighting, rice farming, slaughterhouse management, helicopters, opera at the old Met in the 50s, the country Chad, iceworms.

You can pick anything, anything at all and get enveloped by it. Immerse yourself, lose yourself. Just one thing is all it takes to dedicate the rest of your life doing.

Nobody could ever learn everything there is to know, but of course that’s not the point. The point comes down to the how (we know this — it’s not you do, but how you do it) and also the why. Why do you do what you do?

Why is not easy to answer. “I’m a rice farmer because that’s what my ancestors have done for 2 thousand years,” is fair enough. I’m obsessed with studying 1950s American opera because that’s just what I love to do,” is another perfectly plausible answer.

Why do I surf? I surf because it’s enjoyable, it feels good.

Greatness supersedes all these commonplace traditions, nostalgia, genuine interest and “just because.” For me, it’s a feeling far beyond my calculation or imagination. It just is and I know it.

Therefore, all the things I do are only as important as they serve my calling. The trick is to not get so wrapped in that theory that I don’t enjoy the simple things in life, and/or don’t actually get anything done at all.

I guess what I’m getting at is wondering what’s it’s like to be a great man, and how to conceptualize the inner being to what people are doing.

If it isn’t by obvious now, I’m trying so hard not to pass out from sheer exhaustion and tiredness.

The most simple unit measure of life is a day. We use it to parse and organize the comings and goings of our lives and their direction (“One day…”).

Sometimes days take on an extended version. You go out and do something that takes great focus and energy and half your day. Then you go home and get a rest before taking on another part of your day as equally demanding.

If we all worked so hard on our days, then why are we going out?

1. Status
2. Ebullient
3. Blessed
4. Diligence
5. Faith
6. Consistency
7. Patience
8. Scar
9. Frustration
10. Itching
11. Worry
12. Unworthy
13. Merit
14. Modesty
15. Butterfly
16. Writing
17. Haiti
18. Congress
19. Determined
20. Tired

I never cared for that term “staying the course” because it sounds so plain and cheap. So lacking in energy. So plodding.

But there’s merit to staying the course. It means you start something with a certain goal in mind and you stick with it until you accomplish that goal. For me, that’s very hard, and obviously why I dislike the adage. I’m more of an idea guy, and starter of things but a finisher of nothing.

Today an opportunity came up to apply for what appeared to be a perfect job in Honolulu. No sooner had I read about it, I was already imaging how everything would be once I start the job — the small apartment to start until I could get the family over, working on my business pursuits after hours, other entangled obligations before hours.

After this mental session, I already felt I had the job. I imagined how I’d talk to the owners, get out in the community and start meeting people, and so forth.

Some call it the power of positive thinking, but it’s actually false projection. And a time-waster. A fantasy for the underqualified, the disenfranchised, the migrants south of the border. The me.

The way I see it, I gotta stay the course. I have an exit plan in mind. A grand one. Should it go right, we’d be in a good position, one without employer or geographic restrictions. No relying on millionaires or billionaires.

Greatness and independence enabled by action and…staying the course.

With a singular focus on the goal, perceived opportunities (like the job on Oahu) become nothing more than disturbances. I have a personal flaw in chasing too many opportunities and never actually realizing any of them. Gotta peel away from that.

Stay the course. Mobilize and insulate. Embrace freedom. Stop chasing carrots. Be self-made.

Stay the course.