I emote too much anger, and it manifests in others, thereby perpetuating more anger. I’d like to make it stop.
But where does it come from? I have a few explanations:
- It feels safer to be angry because it hurts more to feel good and get let down (terrible, terrible excuse I know)
- Things are really a bummer (not a good excuse; it’s all relative)
- I’m not where I feel I should be in life (this is plausible)
- I’m not healthy, and it effects my mood (there is definitely truth in this)
- I’m not really doing anything awesome (this is extremely true)
- I feel guilty for being angry around my kids, and that makes me upset at myself (hmmmm…)
- I’m a jerk (???)
Seems like the problem is my idea of self worth. I can’t say I ever thought about where I felt I should be at 37, but it’s certainly not where I am now. Granted, I love my family but I feel like I’m way behind the curve professionally. It’s as if I’m the kind of guy who needs to make his own opportunities happen, and when they do, they’ll be really awesome. But until then…
When I was recently depressed (and I can say with total honesty what I was), everything was the same color gray to me. Everything. My energy was depleted and I really didn’t care too much about dying or living. It was weird and uncomfortable and draining and I don’t want to go back to that ever again.
Ah-ha. I did figure out why I’ve been so angry: I’m not writing. When I don’t write, I get very angry. It’s a unique and powerful strain of anger that feels like I’m neglecting a critical part of myself—out of pure laziness. Imagine hurting yourself because you’re too lazy to do anything about it, then watch yourself wither away!